I Went Missing for a Month, Here’s Why

For the past month, I’ve been quiet.

Not because I had nothing to say. But because I was trying to figure out what happened to me. Somewhere along the way, I slowly disappeared. The encounter with the fortune teller as mentioned in my previous post made me reflect a lot. 

Not physically. But mentally. Emotionally. Personally.

I realized I was no longer living as me. I was functioning as a Husband. A Father. An Employee. But not as an individual.

It sounds dramatic, maybe even selfish. After all, aren’t these roles what adulthood is about?

Yes. But here’s the problem: when you become only your roles, you forget the person inside them.

Let me show you what my life looks like.

Monday to Friday

5:30am: Wake up
Get myself ready
Prepare the kids for childcare
6:50am:  Leave the house
7:15am: Drop the kids off
Before 8:30am: Reach the office

From 8:30am to 5:30pm: Corporate life. Meetings. Deadlines. Targets. Repeat.

5:30pm: Rush out
6:10pm: Reach childcare before 7pm cut-off

At home, the maid showers the kids while my wife and I quickly shower too.
Dinner together: home-cooked, thankfully.
Playtime with the kids.
9:30pm: Put them to sleep.

10:00pm: Workout.
11:00pm: Shower again.

And that’s it.

By then, I’m exhausted. Too tired to read. Too tired to think. Too tired to just be.

Weekends?

Either my in-laws’ place or my parents’ place.
Whole day gone: just like that.

So what is wrong?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining.

My wife runs the same marathon every single day. We are a team. We share the load. We love our children. We’re grateful.

But here’s the truth no one talks about:

When every day looks the same, you slowly become mechanical.

You wake up. You execute. You sleep.
You function: but you don’t feel.

The only breathing space I have is during office hours. Between 8:30am and 5:30pm, I get small pockets of time because of my role. I use them to work on my side hustle, get a massage, or sit alone with a cup of coffee.

Those pockets feel like oxygen.

And that scared me.

Because it means the only time I feel like myself is squeezed in between responsibilities.

That’s not healthy.

Not because routine is bad: routine keeps families stable.
But when routine replaces identity, something inside you starts fading.

You stop asking:

  • What excites me?

  • What do I enjoy?

  • What makes me grow?

  • Who am I becoming?

You just survive.

And surviving is not the same as living.

So I went missing for a month.

I stepped back. I reflected. I observed myself.

I realized that if I continue like this for the next 10, 20, 30 years, I might wake up one day successful in my roles: but completely disconnected from myself.

And that would be the real loss.

This month wasn’t about escaping responsibility.
It was about redesigning my life so that I don’t lose myself while fulfilling it.

Because being a good husband and father does not mean sacrificing your identity.

In fact, the best version of them comes from a man who knows who he is.

I’m still figuring it out.
Still adjusting.
Still experimenting.

But at least now, I’m awake.

And this time, I’m not disappearing again.

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